Day 102 – Submit (Ephesians)

I smirked as Edward and I sat at my parent’s dining room table two days before our wedding as Pastor Whitaker reviewed what the Bible said about husbands and wives.  He read Ephesians 5:22-33 which starts, “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.  For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior.  Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.”  Pastor Whitaker did go on and read the bit about husbands, but my mind was already racing.  Are you kidding?  Submit?  I’ve been working my tail off for the last few years getting an associate degree, a good job, and now I am working on my bachelor degree just so I wouldn’t ever have to submit to a man.  Well, okay, that’s not the ONLY reason I got a degree, but I always intended to be independent and self-sufficient.  A husband was meant to be a cherry on top of a great life I was molding for myself.

“Maria, are you willing to submit to Edward as the Bible states here – knowing that he, in turn, will treat you as Christ sacrificed for the church?”

The pastor was looking straight into my eyes with such sincerity and genuine desire to know my response, I couldn’t make a joke.  “Yes,” I responded sweetly.  Then he asked Edward some junk…I have no clue what was asked or how Edward responded, because I was so caught up with that submission business.  The Bible actually says that?!?!  I guess I never paid attention to the wife stuff before since it hadn’t applied to me until this week.  Well, Edward knows better than to even try to go there…submit…HA!

Well, that was 13 years ago.  Clueless?  Totally…but that hasn’t changed a lot.  If you compare my marriage maturity to human development on my wedding day, I was a fetus happily riding along enjoying the endless buffet, warm bath, and frequent naps.  Today, I am an infant learning to walk.  Sometimes, I can go like mad and cover major ground.  Other times, it is so much work to keep my butt off the ground.  Anyway, a decade of marriage along with a decade of social work has given me a different perspective of marriage and God’s meaning of “submission”.

The Bible is clear that men are intended to be the spiritual “head” of the household (1 Corinthians 11:3, Ephesians 5:23) and spiritual leaders in the church (1 Timothy 2: 11-3:13).  The submission of wives to their husbands is in this context.  The Bible does not in any way demean women.  Christian women in the Bible are described as wealthy, holding positions of power within the community, owning businesses, and serving important roles within the church.  However, positions of spiritual leadership are reserved for men, though women are still shown in the Bible to teach, share their faith with others, serve in the church, carry important messages, and work in ministry alongside their husbands.  There are many, many great women who were and are gifted in ministry, so why would God ask women to submit to their husbands in this regard and forego spiritual leadership positions?

First, we need to step back and examine who we are submitting to.  Ephesians 5:25 states, “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her…”  Christ made the greatest sacrifice one could make for the church (us)!  He suffered, took the burden of our sins, and died for the church.  Therefore, husbands are called to love us as Christ does and sacrifice for us as Christ did.  I’d say that husbands are being asked for a whole lot more than wives are.  Why didn’t God just say that we should submit to each other and treat each other as Christ cared for the church?

God knew that the family needs to have order and authority.  Have you ever worked for two supervisors?  It’s messy.  There needs to be a chain of command.  God gave spiritual authority and responsibility to the husband.  The purpose is not for the husband to be authoritarian about it or have the wife in a child-like position in relation to him.  Rather, using Christ as his role model, the husband uses this responsibility to guide the family.  In her submission, the wife demonstrates respect, supports her husband, and draws closer to him through her deference to his role.  There is no power struggle, no tug-of-war.  A wife who brings her spiritual questions to her husband first demonstrates respect for his wisdom and understands her husband’s thinking more intimately.  When he does not know the answer, he gains greater spiritual understanding through his prayers, fellowship with elders, and study of scripture.  I think that God designed the family structure to reinforce spiritual growth and for spiritual roles to reinforce family relationships. 

In our society, the idea of submitting is equivalent to servanthood or slavery.  In my change of thinking and acting in this regard, I’ve found it empowering.  My husband is so mild-mannered that he would never force me to do anything.  Don’t get me wrong, he’s not meek, weak, or whipped.  He just doesn’t have any desire to control me, my beliefs, my actions, my will, or anything else.  Me, on the other hand – I’m not shy about trying to get him to see things my way, change his mind, do what I want him to do and so on.  So, my submission to him is a clear signal that I trust him, trust his relationship with God, trust his desire to serve God (and me) and not himself.  He seems to light up when I ask him spiritual questions.  He freely admits when he doesn’t have the answer and is quick to dive into 3 different translations of the Bible and numerous commentaries to try and find the answer.  He is quick to listen and slow to speak (quite the opposite of me).  He’s not afraid to seek the guidance of our pastors with deep spiritual questions that he needs answered.  (Pastor Skip is still probably blushing at Edward’s direct questions about sexual practices within the context of marriage.)  Lastly, he honors me by asking for my perspective about spiritual matters as he investigates these issues and questions for himself.

Well, I struggled to get across my meaning in this post.  Basically, I believe that God intended to strengthen and shore up marriages and families through some basic role definitions, particularly in relation to the spiritual head of the household.  Submission is an act of love and respect which is easy when your husband cares for you as the church does.  Here’s where your choice in a husband becomes critical.  If your husband is not the spiritual head or does not see his role in relation to Christ and the churches, submission becomes a much greater sacrifice.  Regardless, I am challenging you to join me in submission and to share with me how this might be best done. 

Here’s my confession.  I’m struggling with how exactly to submit when Edward is researching information on a spiritual topic that I already have a spiritual opinion about which may lean in a different direction.  How do I offer my opinion (which he asks for) or express my concerns (if there are any) about what he’s finding while still honoring his authority?  While I wait for your sisterly suggestions, I will continue my new practice of directing my spiritual questions to my husband.

My prayer today:

Lord, with the challenges that come from divorce, single parenting, remarriage, and blended and stepfamilies, I see why you outlined a plan for the family.  Our failure in maintaining families as you intended has led to devastating outcomes.  I want to strengthen my marriage through submission as you’ve outlined in the Bible.  Lord, help me to know how to do that better – give me opportunities to gain wisdom from more experienced wives and to share my experiences with younger wives.  Lord, I also pray for the strengthening of my friends’ and family’s marriages, those in my church, and in my community.  Amen.

Add a comment August 31, 2010

Day 46 – “Sick with Love” (Song of Solomon)

Reading Song of Solomon is like eavesdropping on young lovers.  They are eager and optimistic.  They are complimentary, seeing only the beauty in one another and none of the flaws.  They are anxious to be together and anticipate the future.

She says, “I am sick with love.” (2:5)  He says, “You are altogether beautiful, my love; there is no flaw in you.” (4:7)  She reports that he is “…whom my soul loves.” (3:4)  There is no doubt of their attraction and sexual desire for one another as he promises to “…climb the palm tree and lay hold of its fruit,” (7:8) and she requests he “…be like a gazelle or a young stag on the mountains of spices.” (8:14)

I can definitely relate to this couple.  Being newlyweds of 13 years, I still feel sick with love quite regularly, and there is certainly no less attraction.  I have the cutest memory of Edward displaying his affection for me.  It was the weekend that he was hallucinating.  The nurse and CNA came in around 4 am to dispense meds and saw that he needed to be changed.  I groggily sat on the side of the chairbed that I slept on at the hospital wearing a tank top and pajama bottoms.  My tanktop was hanging low, but I was wearing a bra (I slept in my bra and would throw a hoodie on over my tanktop when doctors started trickling in sometimes as early as 5:45 a.m.).  Anyway, the nurse rolled Edward toward me so they could clean his bottom and change the sheets.  He was holding onto the railing with his right arm and peeking at me through the slats in the railing.  I asked, “How are you feeling, Edward?”  The nurse said, “How cute!  They are talking to each other through the railing!”  Edward raised his eyebrows twice in quick procession and then let his gaze linger at my cleavage.  I laughed and asked, “Are you looking at my boobs?”  He said, “Ohhh, yeahhh!”  It was a moment of normalcy in a weekend of madness.

Song of Solomon says it best with, “I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine.” (6:3)

My prayer today:

Lord, thank you for the gift of marriage and intimacy!  It’s wonderful to have someone to “delight in” as Song of Solomon puts it.  Thank you for a husband, like Edward, who is more than a lover but also a friend, playmate, spiritual partner, and companion along this journey.  Forgive me for the times that I take advantage of him and take him for granted.  Help us to sustain a lifelong love! Amen

Add a comment July 2, 2010

Day 42 – Superwife (Proverbs 31)

Proverbs 31:10 asks, “An excellent wife who can find?  She is far more precious than jewels.”  Why?  Well, Proverbs 25:24 explains, “It is better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife.”  Worse yet, a quarrelsome wife is like “a continual dripping on a rainy day.” (Proverbs 27:15) 

I’ve always admired the women who seem to be superwives.  You know the ones I mean.  They always look impeccable.  Their kids always look impeccable.  They are capable of managing a career, maintaining a tidy home, and having a home cooked meal on the table each night by 6 pm.  They are the moms who sew costumes for the kids’ show, bake cupcakes for the class, attend every game, and are prepared for their child’s every need (band-aid, snack, safety pin) in their handbag.  They are the wife who can get dirty in yard in the morning and throw a fantastic dinner party in the evening. 

Proverbs 31 describes a superwife, using God’s standards.   They are standards that we should strive for as women and as wives.   Some of those characteristics are:

• trustworthy – “The heart of her husband trusts her.” (verse 11)
• financially savvy – “She considers a field and buys it; with the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard.” (verse 16)
• hard-working – “She rises while it is yet night and provides food for her household” (verse 15) and “her lamp does not go out at night” (verse 18)
• generous – “She opens her hand to the poor and reaches out her hands to the needy.” (verse 20)
• respected – “Her husband is known in the gates” because of her (verse 23)
• wise – “She opens her mouth with wisdom” (verse 26)
• good reputation – “her works praise her in the gates” (verse 31)

When reading Proverbs 31, I can’t help but realize what an important role God has given me.  A great wife is one who works to care for her home, children, and husband.  She is smart with money and family resources.  She is respected in the community raising the reputation of her husband.  Her husband praises her and her children bless her.  She is concerned with the needs of her employees as well as those of the poor.  Last, but not least, she “fears the Lord”. (verse 30)

Edward and I were sitting in the lobby of the oncology office last month, when an older couple took seats across from us.  The wife was chatting away and teasing her husband.  He rolled his eyes but smiled.  She asked us, “How long have you been married?”  We replied, “12 years.”  She said, “Oh, you’re just newlyweds!”  (They were celebrating 60 years together).  Everyone in the lobby chuckled.  The truth is, I feel like a newlywed…still trying to figure out how to be a “good” wife for Edward.

Just as wives represent their husband and family, we represent God as his children.  Do I raise God’s reputation in my circles?  Do I tend to God’s house, and care for the poor as the Proverbs 31 wife cares for her home and servants?  Do I use my money and resources in a manner that increases God’s influence and “vineyard”?  In considering this passage, I can identify the same goal to work on as a wife and as a child of God.  My goal is to raise God and Edward’s reputation and standing in whatever “community” we find ourselves. 

My prayer for today:

Lord, help me to be the kind wife who glorifies you and pleases my husband.  Let me cast off any standard that society encourages which does not align with your Word.  Adjust my attitude and temperament to help me represent you and Edward in manner that is positive and encouraging.  Lord, continue to teach me to be the wife that Edward needs alongside.  Thank you, Lord, for the guidance your Word provides for everyday living.  Amen

Add a comment June 28, 2010